The Depths

When the tears just don't stop running, flowing down my cheeks faster than I can mop them. When my stomach feels hollow and there's a lump in my throat. When I don't feel like eating and all I want to do is go back to sleep...THAT is a day we look forward to saying goodbye too, hopeful that the next is not the same.

These are the days when the only way to cope is to look up. My day will be a constant and continual converse with God of tears and questions. At the time it feels so painful, to have to cry so much is hurts your face and feel so utterly desperate. It feels like it might not pass and you hide away so the kids can't see you this way. Then it does pass, and you can breathe again and your heart is not racing as if you've done a sprint. It is only then that you can make sense of it.

What if I never had these emotional breakdowns, I wonder? What if things never came to a head and I always felt in control? My conclusion is that life would be a lot smoother and less complicated, but my relationship with God would not be the same.

So I sit here in the calm after the storm and wonder what I am learning and what God is trying to teach me. I am a huge believer that the challenges in life are a healthy thing. A smooth and straight path would be too easy, we'd never learn to navigate. The pitfalls are essential for our growth. I am thankful that these days happen from time to time and it reminds me that I am human and can't do anything in my own strength. I don't want to trick myself into thinking that I am so strong and clever that I can always stay on top of life. It is not about being on top, it is about walking with God, and trusting the journey he is leading us on.

So I am comforted as I think of my saviour Jesus, who might have despaired the way I do. The pressure and the strings that pulled him must have felt too much at times. His refuge was his father, who reassured him and showed him the goal. By his Grace Jesus was able to overcome. By his Grace we can also overcome.